Is it a match - or not?

One of these things is not like the others,
a photo by gafmaster.wordpress.com on google images

Are you trying too hard to make it work?  An ill-fitting shirt can be belted, pinned, left open as an overshirt to allow more belly room - but how far do you go before you decide that the shirt simply doesn't fit?

The question that follows closely behind this one is whether the problem is the shirt or you?  If something has to change to make it work better, what is the change that needs to be made?

In the 2009 movie "He's Just Not That Into You," several young women practically twist themselves into pretzels trying to lure the man they love (or think they love) into the sort of relationship that they want.  (see the trailer here) They try and try until their desperation becomes a head-shaking sort of comical for the audience. They watch as the protagonists kid themselves again and again that it's going to work if they only give the other person enough time, space, nurturing, etc.

On the flip side of this, you might be the person who is in the decision-making seat.  Is the potential payoff worth the compromises you'll have to make in order to make the job, the sale, the situation, the house, the relationship fit you?  Or is this not a match that should be made?  Will you be almost instantly dissatisfied, and will it whittle away at your commitment?  Will it eat away at your happiness?  Will it ultimately erode your opinion of yourself if you decide to settle for something less than what you really want?

For how long do you expect this match to last?  The timeframe for a marriage commitment (in theory) is measured in decades - it's a pretty big decision as a result.  A mismatch will have longlasting consequences.  On the other hand, the inadvertent choice of a clumsy dance partner only lasts until the song is over and you return them to their table.  A mismatch here is no big problem.

How big is the adaptation that has to be made?  There may be circumstances that warrant making a commitment to fairly substantial personal change:  wedding vows specify "till death us do part," and many people still take that vow seriously.  Business results that aren't up to snuff may require that you do things differently, even significantly so, if you want to keep the doors open.

When it gets down to it, though, you have to decide how far you want to go to make it work.  Every person has his or own boundaries, some casting a broader swath than others.  If you don't honor your internal boundaries you may be able to "make" the situation work on the outside but be eating yourself alive on the inside.  Ultimately it will erode your motivation and corrode the relationship.

Yes, people can become and change.  But if you are counting on that from yourself or others it's a risky proposition.  It assumes that there is a capacity for the desired behavior, and enough motivation to walk up a steep hill to learn it and sustain it.  It's a lot easier when the circumstances, personalities, etc. are in some alignment at the outset.  Looking for a better match going into the deal might save all of you heartache and frustration later.  And having the courage to walk away may be the best thing you can do for everyone involved.